Born to Social Distance

Even as I write this I’m laughing. I sound like a complete misfit. But who would have thought my isolated childhood would come in handy? I now believe I could be the best-equipped person for this new reality of distancing.

My childhood home, Flemington, NJ

I grew up in a rural county in Western New Jersey, nearly reaching the Pennsylvania border. My parents found the property, designed the house, and my father’s custom home building company built it.

The house was perched at the top of a 1/4-mile long driveway that consisted of a bridge spanning a stream. Once you passed over the bridge, you’d encounter a steep, curved, gravel drive, which we often could not get up in the winter. A surprise snowstorm might mean leaving the car at the bottom of the hill and hiking up to the house. Many of our neighbors hired companies to plow their driveways; luckily my father had his own Kubota tractor that he used for ours.

Our 3.5-acre, wooded property was set on a narrow and windy road, without sidewalks. Cars sped along the road, so it was not safe to walk, not that there was anywhere to walk to - except my grandparents’ house. Two 3-acre properties away, my grandparents had purchased their own land once they retired and wanted to live nearer to us. They hired my father’s company to design and build a tudor-style home. And while the property between us was vacant, my father forged a path between the two houses, so we could walk through the woods to our grandparents like Little Red Riding Hood.

My grandparents’ house

I sometimes wonder if growing up in this remote area without much access to other kids contributed to my overly introverted personality. I often joke about being an introvert, saying I wasn’t “socialized” as a child, the way we consciously socialize our pets these days.

When I first described my childhood to my husband he was shocked. As a true suburban kid of the 80s, he used to jump on his bike to meet friends at their homes or at the mall or local arcade. Or he’d just walk outside his house and find a game of [insert random sport here] he could join with other neighborhood kids. He seems to have literally lived the “Stranger Things” childhood of bike riding and walkie talkies!

Meanwhile in western NJ, friends I made in elementary or middle school might live a 30-minute car ride away. Once I reached high school with additional school districts, my friends could easily live an hour from my house. The first boyfriend I had lived 45 minutes away. That lasted about 3 months, mainly because we never saw each other.

Living in such isolation wasn’t horrible at the time. We lived one hour from NYC and one hour from Philadelphia, where we would visit a couple times each year for shows and museums. As a child, your world is small, and you don’t necessarily know another lifestyle exists.

Although I’ve spent the last 20 years living and working in major cities, making great friends and even getting married, the unsocialized, introverted ‘me’ still exists. And instead of being antsy and longing for “freedom,” I find myself becoming more and more comfortable with my new reclusive life. Instead of fearing this period of isolation will last indefinitely, I have anxiety when I think about re-opening and being amongst people again.

I don’t like not working - I have held some sort of job since the age of 15 - and I don’t like that I spent years building a business that suddenly ceased to function, ceased to matter. But I do like that I have zero societal pressure to talk to people, or go to a party or conference. I spent my adult life pushing myself to do these things so that I could maintain friendships and grow my career. It was exhausting; it was draining on every level.

Now, for the first time in a long time I feel lighter and as though I’m closer to being my true self. Oddly and surprisingly, this period of imposed isolation has actually made me feel freer.

What does this mean for my future? How will I readjust once we’re reopened? Will I find a happy medium between socialization and isolation? Can I maintain this sense of calm once I need to venture out into public again?

Fortunately or unfortunately, I have weeks, possibly months, to learn the answers.